I want to give an account of all that has happened and share all that the Lord has done for me and taught me. I know I tend to forget His goodness and faithfulness and I want to make sure I remember!
I’ve struggled with autoimmune type symptoms for over twenty years. For the most part, they were manageable, and I was able to lead a normal life. But over the past year, I developed new, debilitating symptoms. I blacked out several times, had brain fog, intense fatigue, extreme heart palpitations, racing heart, anxiety, feelings of impending doom, sleep disturbances, and dizziness.
I saw multiple doctors and even went to the ER three times. But every time, my vitals and EKGs were perfect, and my labs were good. I was told it was most likely anxiety, stress, my stomach, my hormones. My PCP was the only doctor who listened to me, but because cardiology referrals are so far out, the soonest appointment I could get with them was March.
In mid-January, things got much worse. I blacked out several times, my heart rate would race, but then plummet to the 40-50 range, my fatigue was extreme, and I was so depressed and scared. My very-concerned family convinced me to go to the ER again. Sadly, I was again told I was fine from everything they could see and sent home. This ER did however, put a holter monitor on me. This is a monitor that records your heart for two weeks, then you send it off in the mail and the results get sent back to your doctor. I was told it could take six weeks to get the results from this.
Providentially, at the first of the year, the Lord led me to the book of Job in my personal study. My plan had been to start a study of the poetry books of the Bible (Job, Psalms, Proverbs, Song of Solomon, Ecclesiastes). But the Lord, in His sovereignty, was preparing me.
I’ve been working third shift as a nurse. On the morning of Wednesday, February 4th, I was at work, and began to have squeezing chest pain ( a new symptom), palpitations that felt like a fish was flopping around in my chest, and lightheadedness. My amazing, phenomenal co-workers prayed aloud over me, called EMS, advocated for me, and then covered the rest of my shift. To Libby, who was the first of hundreds to pray for me, I can’t thank you enough for being faithful to the Lord and for being there for me. Sonya, the other nurse on duty who assessed me and advocated for me, I can never thank you enough. These two were such a huge blessing.
By the time the paramedics arrived, I was coming out of the attack. My vitals and EKG were once again perfect. They asked if I still wanted to be transported to the hospital. Sonya confirmed that she felt my all-over-the-place pulse and that I needed to be transported. If she hadn’t been there to advocate for me, I might not have gone to the hospital. I was so weary at that point of doctors looking at me like I was crazy. But Sonya and the Lord gave me courage. This was Miracle Number 1, because if I had not gone to the hospital, I could have gone home and went to bed and never woken up on this earth again.
When we got to the ER, they hooked me up to a heart monitor. The ER doctor came in and basically said, “Your labs, vitals, and heart monitor look great. I really think it’s your stomach.” I told him it was not my stomach and refused stomach medication. My husband asked him if I could be admitted and monitored. He sent the hospitalist doctor in to see me.
That doctor reiterated that I was fine, and said he could not admit me. I’ve never felt so hopeless in my life. He left, to prepare my discharge papers, and while he was gone, I blacked out again. Brian saw the monitor and saw it said asystole and ran out to get the nurse. I was already coming back to, but the nurse told me, “we got it!”. This was Miracle Number 2, because the Lord allowed me to black out right there on the monitor before I was sent back home.
Both doctors came back in again after my black out, and were still trying to tell me I was fine. But come to find out, even though the nurse had tried to show them the monitor, they had not seen it yet. I saw the nurse try to get their attention THREE times. I’m so thankful to her, Carli, for trying to advocate for me.
Miracle #3, the Lord sent me my dear friend Brandy, who worked there at the hospital. She asked the doctor to look at the monitor again. This time, he saw it!!!! I had a complete AV heart block. From that moment, everything changed. The doctor came back in with the nurse and they hooked me up to an AED on a crash cart. I couldn’t stop crying from relief. Finally, they could see it!!
But then they began to use words like “sudden cardiac death” and fear began to take over. My total thoughts were centered on my three children. I gave my terrified husband and mother instructions. I would lay my life down in the hands of the Lord and say “Thy will be done” and then in the next minute beg Him to spare my life and let me stay with my babies.
It was quickly determined I needed to be transferred to Frye Hospital for a pacemaker placement. Miracle #4- my dear friend Brandy was calling her connections at Frye and trying to make sure I would get the best care possible.
At this point, between texting and facebook, there was an unbelievable amount of people praying for me. A dear friend of mine from nursing school, Adolpho, happened to be walking by my ER room and my husband spotted him. He called him in and Adolpho prayed over me. Friends from church (David and David!) came to be with my husband, and they prayed over me. Our dear friends and pastors (Bradley and Keith) also came and prayed over me.
A friend of Brian’s with EMS, Justin, a paramedic, came in on his day off to transport me to Frye himself so he could know I was getting the best care. He rode in the back with me and watched my heart monitor the entire time. My driver, Madison, was also amazing.
When I arrived at Frye, I was taken to the cardiac unit and welcomed by the most amazing nurses who I will love forever. (Ciara and Matt!)
Upon arriving, the doctors were hesitant to proceed immediately to the pacemaker due to my young age, and wanted to rule out other things first. During this, I blacked out two more times, one showed my heart pausing for six seconds. (Another cardiac monitor, the holter monitor I had worn for only three days, later showed an ELEVEN second pause!) Due to my amazing nurses advocating for me, and an amazing cardiology PA advocating for me, a wonderful surgeon worked me into his busy schedule. My heart had restarted on its own several times but they were afraid the next time it might not. The entire OR stayed over late one night so they could put a temporary pacemaker in to keep my heart from pausing while they ruled out potential causes. This was Miracle Number 5. This is a picture of my babies getting to visit me before the temporary pacemaker was placed. (Big babies, huh? ☺️ )
Because the temporary pacemaker was on the outside of my body and inserted into my jugular in my neck, I was admitted to the cardiac ICU for surveillance. This was particularly hard on me because there were strict rules regarding visiting hours and no children were allowed. So I was alone at night (I know I sound like a baby, but being a wife and mother, I hadn’t been alone at night in years!) and my sweet Hallie could not come visit me for four days (she is my little shadow). I was dealing with exhaustion (I couldn’t sleep hardly AT ALL), shock, and terrible anxiety (still not sure if it was the heart symptoms causing it or just real anxiety, regardless, I was an emotional wreck). Miracle Number 6- I had the most amazing nurses in the ICU that took such good care of me and showed me so much empathy, compassion, and love. (Stephanie!)
I have to say here what a wonderful husband I have. He took such good care of me. He was with me every second he could be and was trying to take care of our children at the same time. He brought me anything he thought I could want or need. He would leave from 6p-8p during shift change when they kicked everyone out, and then he would come back from 8p-10p and help get me ready for bed and hold my hand while I fell asleep. He brought my precious sons to see me. He would bring me notes from my babies every day. He washed my hair. He prayed with me, for me, and over me. He watched game show network and the Olympics with me for hours, trying to distract me.
My time in the ICU was one of my darkest times spiritually. I laid my life in the Lord’s hands repeatedly and then would doubt His goodness. I would pray over and over His will to be done and then try to take back control. I would beg the Lord’s protection and blessing over my husband and children and then beg Him to let me stay with them. I felt like God was silent. I felt like He was angry and I was afraid.
In the middle of the night in the ICU, my precious nurse (who I thankfully had three nights in a row), came in on the 3rd night and told me she heard a preacher on the radio and what he said reminded her of me. The preacher said sometimes God allows us to go through hard times to produce good things. I told her that reminded me of a Bible verse but I couldn’t remember where it was.
I thought about it for several hours and finally remembered the verse, 2 Corinthians 4:16-18. When I read it, I couldn’t believe the opening statement: “So we do not lose heart. (gotta love that!) Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
This verse reminded me of the song “Though You Slay Me” by Shane and Shane. In the music video, John Piper says this verse.
And this song was based on Job 13:15 “Though He slay me, I will hope in Him;”.
Which brought my thoughts back to my study on Job! When Job was in the middle of his suffering, He thought the Lord was angry with him, or the Lord had forgotten him. But we know from Job chapter one that he was totally wrong! The Lord was pleased with Job and used Job’s life for His glory and Job’s ultimate good!!
I ended up reading the entire chapter of 2 Corinthians 4. I am ashamed to say this was the first time in four days that I considered Christ’s sufferings on my behalf! How had I been so consumed in my own suffering that I did not even once consider what my Savior had been through for me?
These Scriptures were like a breakthrough for me. I was so excited when the nurse came back in my room to share it all with her.
Also while I was in the ICU, a dear friend, Jessica, who had recently had her own ICU suffering experience, reminded me to continually look for God working in each day and to fill my mind with His Word. That would prove to me that He was still there working even when it felt otherwise. This was another badly needed lifeline!
I learned so many lessons that I am going to list them out here. Again, I don’t want to forget!!
- Be bold. You can die today. Say what needs to be said. For me, this meant speaking to everyone I could about Christ.
- Speak truth to anyone going through a hard time- they need to hear it! Satan’s lies are loudest during suffering. Remind them to remember Jesus, and what He did for them on the cross! Big Daddy Weave song, “If your eyes are on the storm, you’ll wonder if I love you still. But if your eyes are on the cross, you’ll know I always have and I always will.”
- Eternal perspective- Eternity is a missed heartbeat away. I just saw a video a couple of weeks ago of wise Mrs. Esther Walker saying “Only one life, will soon be past. Only what’s done for Christ will last.”
- Everyone is suffering in some way or another! And everyone needs Jesus! I got the opportunity to speak with nurses, housekeepers, CNAs, transportation, techs, etc. Everyone I encountered had heartache. I offered to pray for many of them and now I’m so honored I was given the opportunity. My husband prayed with many families in the ICU waiting room.
- Make sure you have taught your children about Jesus. One comfort for me was, I only had to tell my husband, “Make sure my babies get their Bibles”. Years ago, I began working in three different Bibles for each of my children. I wrote letters to them during different stages of their lives, highlighted verses, and made countless notes in the margins. It was such a comfort to me that my love for them, and more importantly, Christ’s love for them, was completely expressed in those pages.
- The body of Christ is a beautiful thing. The Scripture teaches us that the body of Christ is the hands and feet of Jesus. I got to watch this in real time. This is the community we were created for and we all long for. To see everyone contribute from their different skills, talents, and blessings was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I’m so honored and thankful to be a part of an amazing church family (if you are not a part of a church, find one! I PROMISE, the spiritual growth and blessings far outweigh the church hurt.). And I am so thankful to be a part of the body of Christ (true believers from all over.)
- If you are in the medical field, you know as well as I do, it is easy to become jaded and cynical. But we must keep our judgemental attitudes at the door and listen to our patients. I am so thankful for the nurses and providers who listened, cared, and believed me! There were many who did not, and the pain of that was overwhelming. The sarcasm, the dismissing tones, doctors talking over me… it truly traumatized me. What a new perspective I received as a patient! I pray this experience will make me a better, more empathetic nurse.
Lastly, THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. I have never felt so loved. And THANK YOU for loving my family and for taking care of them when I could not.
Please keep me in your prayers. We still have some hurdles to get through. One is a crack line in a root canal that must be dealt with sooner rather than later. Pray for infection to stay away. Another is my rheumatology appointment is not until May. (There was absolutely no cardiac cause that could be found for my heart block, one of the reasons it was so hard to identify. But there are many proofs for an autoimmune etiology, and they suspect the cause of the heart block was autoimmune dysautonomia.) I pray I will receive a diagnosis and learn to manage whatever conditions I have.
I love you! Christ loves you! If you haven’t trusted in Him and given your life to Him, please think about it. He gives life meaning and beauty and peace unlike I can possibly describe. You could die today. Where will you spend eternity? We all have sinned. We must be held accountable. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which He loved us, sent Christ Jesus to take the punishment for our sins! But you must believe and repent (to turn) from your sins. Acknowledge Him as Lord of your life! You will NEVER regret it! He gives freedom, love, joy, peace, and life abundantly!!
A White Stone with a New Name 